10 Suggestions for changes to the English Language (based on one teacher’s experience of preparing primary school kids for their SATs)

  1. Make ‘in fact’ one word. See also: ‘at least’. In fact, fuck it, any two words you want to join together, go ahead. See if I care.

2. Change the spelling of ‘were’ to ‘where’. And vice-versa.

3. Get rid of all punctuation, except full stops and commas. Even then, don’t worry about using them correctly. Just whack ‘em in wherever. you want,

4. Capital letters? Fuck ‘em. Your parents don’t use them in their Facebook posts, so why should you?

5. Make it a rule that every paragraph has to end with ellipses.

6. When using ellipses, add as many as you want. Yep. Just hold the period key down for as long as you can. Again, your parents do it in their Facebook posts, so go ahead……….

7. Change the definition of a pronoun to that of a proper noun. Because, really, who gives a shit what these words mean?

8. Add the letter ‘h’ to ‘with’. Along whith any other word beginning with ‘w’.

9. Make the words ‘over’ and ‘other’ completely interchangeable.

10. Use more ‘ajectives’. You can never have too many in one sentence. The more random and irrelevant the better. If anyone questions you on this, say, but my short, brown-eyed, dapper, sarcastic, weird teacher told me it was okay.