10 Suggestions for changes to the English Language (based on one teacher’s experience of preparing primary school kids for their SATs)

  1. Make ‘in fact’ one word. See also: ‘at least’. In fact, fuck it, any two words you want to join together, go ahead. See if I care.

2. Change the spelling of ‘were’ to ‘where’. And vice-versa.

3. Get rid of all punctuation, except full stops and commas. Even then, don’t worry about using them correctly. Just whack ‘em in wherever. you want,

4. Capital letters? Fuck ‘em. Your parents don’t use them in their Facebook posts, so why should you?

5. Make it a rule that every paragraph has to end with ellipses.

6. When using ellipses, add as many as you want. Yep. Just hold the period key down for as long as you can. Again, your parents do it in their Facebook posts, so go ahead……….

7. Change the definition of a pronoun to that of a proper noun. Because, really, who gives a shit what these words mean?

8. Add the letter ‘h’ to ‘with’. Along whith any other word beginning with ‘w’.

9. Make the words ‘over’ and ‘other’ completely interchangeable.

10. Use more ‘ajectives’. You can never have too many in one sentence. The more random and irrelevant the better. If anyone questions you on this, say, but my short, brown-eyed, dapper, sarcastic, weird teacher told me it was okay.


Ten Things I Teach The Children In My Class That Adults Need To Learn Too (Yes, Even When You’re Using Facebook)

Grammar, Teaching, Writing

1. Capital letters

Let’s start with an easy one, shall we? Capital letters go at the start of any sentence, status update, comment or tweet. Also, when you write someone’s name (that’s their first name AND surname) you need to use a capital letter. Same for the name of any town, city or country. Honestly. Most children over the age of five get this right.* What’s your excuse?