In an exclusive and surprisingly candid interview, the brand new £5 note has expressed delight at his new look and feel, showing no signs of regret at having been ostracised by his larger, “more papery” contemporaries.
“The look is just more, like, pared-down, you know?” said Five. “Less wasteful, more dynamic, more efficient, streamlined. Generally just better equipped for life in the modern world, you know? Before, I just felt too… I don’t know… papery?”
“Plus, I figured I was just a little too big. Not loads, but a little… it didn’t bother me that much, but looking back now I could just die. I was enormous!”
The new look has not received much support from the other notes, who, according to Twenty, think the new look £5 note is “a pretentious twat”.
“Oh, those crinkly old things,” came the unruffled response. “The day I take advice from someone of his, ahem… SIZE… and wearing that ghastly shade of purple… well… say no more.”
Meanwhile, a bitter Twitter war has erupted, with Fifty taking to the popular platform to voice long-held suspicions: “@fivepoundnote I always knew you was a f–king nonce.”
Five’s response? “@fiftypoundnote You’re the one wearing pink…”
More on this one as it unfurls.