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Paula Battle

Scientists tasked with creating new facial expression protocol

September 22, 2016 By Paula Battle

Scientists are working around the clock to develop a new set of facial expressions, to be universally adopted and understood to mean "You're a twat." …

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Scientists confirm: Gesticulating behind partner’s back more effective than talking

September 21, 2016 By Paula Battle

Scientists at Cardiff University have today published the results of their long-term, independent studies into how to maintain a long and happy marriage.  …

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Mother has meltdown. Everything changes.

September 14, 2016 By Paula Battle

Tracey Bustle, a 39-year-old mother of three took drastic action in Dunstable yesterday to combat the ever-shifting glacier of attitude creeping her way and threatening to engulf her entirely. "I literally couldn't take it anymore," wept an emotional Bustle. …

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“No pride, nor prejudice for me…”

September 12, 2016 By Paula Battle

A middle-aged woman has confessed that she’ll probably never actually get around to reading ‘Pride and Prejudice’. Jane Ashton, 44, smiled ruefully as she admitted that she just can’t get into the 203-year old classic, bought for her by a well-intentioned friend. “I can’t even watch the film, …

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“We’re over the beard,” claim all women

September 9, 2016 By Paula Battle

Women have finally revealed that the whole beard thing was one big joke. Helen, 40, says: “I’ve tried to tell my boyfriend that he looks like a tosser but he just doesn’t get it. What am I supposed to do? I’ve not been able to post a cute-couple selfie since mid-July.” Helen’s friend Jasmine, …

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