A man in his mid-thirties has admitted to being addicted to internet click bait, and is asking for emergency therapy to cure him.
Russell Watts, 37, explains: “I guess it started around 2010. Scanning an innocuous list of fifteen images I couldn’t believe existed, my eye was drawn to the bottom of the page, where there was a photo of a 17-year-old kid, reclining across the bonnet of a Ferrari holding a wad of banknotes, who claimed to be making upwards of £700 a day working from home. And it was happening in my local town! Suffice to say, I had to know more.”
With one trepidatious click, Russell was introduced to the seedy world of click-baiting, or, as he refers to it, ‘click-biting’.
From that moment, there was no way back. Russell continues: “After my first experience, which turned out to be a still from the film Richie Rich, I couldn’t help myself. I was desperate to see what the kid from Sixth Sense looked like now, as well as every single one of those 54 inappropriate wedding dresses. They were inevitably a let-down, but I just couldn’t stop. At one point I was unable to leave my bed until I’d seen at least one video where I couldn’t guess what happened next… even though I invariably guessed exactly what happened next.”
Is there any hope for Russell? “It’s early days for this crippling condition and there is no support from medical professionals. I’ve been to a couple of support groups to see if there is anything I can apply, but have only managed to give up gluten so far. If this situation continues, it’s only a matter of time until our next prime minister is announced alongside an article about a secret method of how to beat fruit machines. I think we all know which piece would get more hits.”