The government is piloting a new scheme to reduce the blood pressure and stress levels of drivers on Britain’s rural roads, it has been revealed.
Very small, grey-haired people are being paid to drive at a minimum of 20 mph under the national speed limit, in an attempt to delay drivers who are in a hurry to get to appointments, jobs, interviews, and other unimportant events.
In an exclusive and surprisingly candid interview, the brand new £5 note has expressed delight at his new look and feel, showing no signs of regret at having been ostracised by his larger, “more papery” contemporaries.
Writers and journalists—and in some cases teachers, doctors, and members of the emergency services—will, in the very near future, be paid solely in Facebook likes, it has been revealed.
In the wake of the tragic case of Merritt Tierce, the government has unveiled a plan to work alongside the social media giant and do away with all forms of financial remuneration for anyone providing “creative and/or non-essential public services”, replacing their wages with likes, comments, and—in the case of firefighters and plastic surgeons—shares.
Scientists are working around the clock to develop a new set of facial expressions, to be universally adopted and understood to mean “You’re a twat.”
Scientists at Cardiff University have today published the results of their long-term, independent studies into how to maintain a long and happy marriage.
David Cameron’s decision to step down as MP for Witney was based on fears he would be unable to control his raucous brand of comedy whilst seated in the back benches.
Cameron, who took the concerns of the ordinary people of the country very seriously while Prime Minister, has revealed that his true nature is something of the anarchic class clown, and his comic instinct would prove too distracting for Theresa May’s new cabinet.
An aggrieved patient claims he saw a group of “greedy” junior doctors lighting cigars with £50 notes outside a busy A&E.
Mr. Tool, 52, said he witnessed this despicable scene after spending nearly five hours in A&E, after he went there complaining of a headache.
A man in his mid-thirties, who claims it is his duty to correct any grammar or spelling mistakes he observes, is actually just ‘a bit of a dick’, it has emerged.
A man in his mid-thirties has admitted to being addicted to internet click bait, and is asking for emergency therapy to cure him.
Russell Watts, 37, explains: “I guess it started around 2010. Scanning an innocuous list of fifteen images I couldn’t believe existed, my eye was drawn to the bottom of the page, where there was a photo of a 17-year-old kid, reclining across the bonnet of a Ferrari holding a wad of banknotes, who claimed to be making upwards of £700 a day working from home. And it was happening in my local town! Suffice to say, I had to know more.”
An increasing number of middle-class households are using the so-called “bags for life” from supermarket chain Waitrose in place of bin bags, it has emerged.
In what is seen as a direct snub of the nation’s vote to leave the EU back in June, hundreds of well-to-do Remainers are deliberately dumping their butternut squash peelings and Teapigs tea temples into the green-handled bags—which cost ten pence a time—instead of using the traditional black bin liners.